this is the only thing i can control. this is all i have for sake of myself. i can’t help my dad living hundreds of miles away. i can’t help my mom turning into some woman i never want to be a part of. i can’t help my siblings for not experiencing this the same way i am. i can’t help my friends moving away next year and taking their own paths. i can’t help this relationship i have with this kid becoming another endless saga of questions filled with what if? i can’t help any of it. all i have is this focus within myself. that focus has driven me mad, mad to the point of becoming completely naive to what im really doing. doing things to myself so unhealthy yet so comforting to me because i feel like in the sea of hatred and craziness im in its what keeps me in some sort of focus and norm. But then it’s not really a norm at all, it just becomes a disorder. scary. scary to see how i’ve let myself delve so far into it. delve so far where my bones can speak for themselves. countless people can look at me and tell me how i’ve changed or how my appearance seems to be dwindling away. i can’t answer the question as to why i’ve taken it to this point or why i’ve chosen this path as to allowing my body to disintegrate. after the disaster of my life, i skyrocketed in misery to seeing no point but to feel all i could with what i had. i allowed myself to let go and to consume all i could that would make me happy. this misery and search for some happiness contradiction led me to a final place of confusion, who was i? and why did i end up unhappy once more with my self? i had to change again. done with the drug experiments, past the people i was hanging out with, over with what i was doing to my body, and into a completely new direction, an extreme direction. it started with an excited feeling of clothes becoming looser and looser. new comments on how much better i looked and how evidently i could transform. a new sense of who i could become if i pushed myself to it. i pushed and i pushed and i pushed, pushed myself past everyone around me with the only concentration that they can all think and be who they want, because i would become what i wanted as well. skinny. thin. unhealthy. brainwashed. upset. scared. but even in all that, still in control of it. still me, the only person in charge of myself. counting the numbers on the labels, the number on the scale, the minutes at the gym. sometimes i wish i took another outlet, to my friends, to the drugs, to schoolwork? but that to me was all temporary, lasting for pure bitter moments. at the end of the day i would still be laying in my own bed looking at myself and contemplating wether or not if i was okay. i started to reel myself into the mindset that if my body didnt look right, then i was not right. and when my body became okay, maybe i would be okay. thats when i couldnt stop. i couldnt stop shedding and shedding away because i felt like all the excess i was getting rid of was the pain that i needed to get rid of as well. wrong. completely wrong because the pain is all but a part of my head, an intangible realm inside of me apart from my situation that i would never be able to grasp unless i took hold of it mentally. however physically was the only answer i saw, and physically i went overboard. those who know and love me looked at me with worry and doubt and maybe even disgust. but i tried to consolidate myself with, who even are they? what do they really know about me and my life? what have they been through that can compare to this? pathetic thoughts. and in this stupidity, the realization that those around me have their own issues and own selfish ways they need to deal with, led me even further into myself. people have their perks, and i have mine. i can’t be ignorant and play myself off like i’m completely normal or sane, but i also am cognizant with the fact that people go through shit, and i can’t be the whiney girl on the side crying for help. i found a side of myself that shut all the bullshit and meaningless commentary out and only focused on what i wanted. like i said, fueling the disaster more, leaving me even more trapped in this abyss of thought and turmoil. i want it to stop, to end, to be over with, to move on. but how and when? if i lose grip of this, what i have control over, i feel as if i will be even more unhappy and then become subject to what everyone around me wants me to do for myself. i dont want to prove anything to anyone else. its a crazy stupid state, but it’s where i am. i’m trying my hardest but at the same time it’s like, what more can i do? i need to do better than what i’ve been doing. but which way though? following the advice of others which i never agreed to? or following my own thoughts which pull me further? is there a real way out? i’m convinced at this point that there will never be.